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What about for those craving &#x201C,a sapphic dreamland&#x201D,?View Entire Post &#x203A,
Sex Parties Are Back — Unless You Aren’t Into Men. When Michelle was 20 years old, she made an account on the dating site OkCupid. Prompted to fill out her sexuality, she indicated she was pansexual.

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It was 2009, Bumble, Lex, and other apps that centered women didn’t exist yet. Michelle (who requested a pseudonym to protect her privacy) had previously had two relationships with men, but knew she was interested in women. She was young, curious, horny, newly living in New York City, and ready to explore. Her inbox filled up with offers from men. “I found it impossible to date women online,” she told me over video chat. “I think there was this assumption at the time that if you were identifying as pan, you were definitely just doing it for attention. So I kept going out with guys because it was easy, even though I wasn’t interested in them, which is awful.” One of her early dates invited her to a BDSM play party in Manhattan. Michelle had never heard of play parties before, but she knew she was kinky and was excited to attend. The club was in a basement in the East Village that would later be converted to an H.P. Lovecraft–themed bar, at the time, its main feature was a gap in the lounge wall that used to hold a fish tank and was now a suitable place to fool around in. Surrounded by exposed brick wall and plush red couches, attendees wore lingerie, formal wear, fetish gear, or steampunk attire. (“Later I was like, This is the trashiest space I could have been in , but at the time it was really cool to me,” she said.) Michelle remembers three things about it. First, she had to leave her clothes on all night, because she wasn’t wearing underwear and nudity wasn’t allowed at New York clubs. (Many sex parties that allow nudity and penetration happen in semiprivate clubs that require patrons to become members or bring their own alcohol, restrictions and laws on what is and isn’t allowed vary from state to state.) Second, she felt embarrassed to be there with a man. And third, while the event was open to all genders, plenty of women were there with each other, tying up their partners in artful rope displays, or spanking each other with impact toys. “It was night and day, where I went from not being able to find any queer women [to date], to suddenly being inundated with them. It was awesome.” ‘‘It’d be like, ‘No, you as a dude don’t get to show us how to use this flogger.’’’ Sex and play parties are often refuges for queer people in search of community, and that’s what happened for Michelle. She ditched the dude but met the people she would be friends with for the next decade. What followed was more kink parties, more sex events, more space to explore. Many of these parties were coed, although femmes and queer women vastly outnumbered other attendees in what Michelle called “a total matriarchy.” “Sometimes it felt like a release, because we all have to deal with patriarchy every fucking day,” she said. “It’d be like, ‘No, you as a dude don’t get to show us how to use this flogger — this woman will come in and knock your damn socks off with it. This is not your space.’” Soon she started to attend events that were exclusively for women and nonbinary people. Several were part of Pride, or hosted by groups like the Lesbian Sex Mafia, the legendary women’s BDSM support group founded in 1981 by Dorothy Allison and Jo Arnone, but her favorite events were the more intimate and reliably hot ones hosted by her own friends — “a sapphic dreamland,” in her words. Some Michelle helped organize at her partner’s art studio. They spread the word through kinky social network site FetLife, and hosts would vet new guests beforehand, usually through coffee dates. Then the parties started to slow down. Some people moved, others got sober and didn’t want the pressure of hosting. Interpersonal conflict played a role, as it often does. Michelle broke up with her partner and stopped attending the parties they organized together. She tried hosting her own events, but struggled with, in her words, “cultivating a sexy space.” “I just get in my own head about the logistics of a party. I’m like, ‘We must have ice,’ and people are like, ‘We wanna fuck,’ and I’m like, ‘Ice!’” she said. In March 2020, as COVID-19 rampaged through the city and the rest of the world, the parties Michelle was attending came to a complete halt. And yet, as restrictions eased, and nightlife returned, sex parties for queer women didn’t return in full force. Where she once went to parties to find women to date, now she’s attempting to date women to find parties. “Everyone just sat with themselves for over a full fucking year,” said Michelle, who is now 33.